Ethiopia: Day 4 (5-8-2010)

Today will be in my memory forever; the most rewarding, yet most emotionally difficult day of my life. The day I met Birtukan's birth mother.

We left the guest house with a few of the adoptive families and two social workers, Hannah and Sanait. It was a very long drive to Wolita, through the countryside of Ethiopia. It was nice to open the window and take a breath of fresh air, after being in Addis Ababa for a while where the air quality is difficult to breathe. We stopped for lunch at Fanta Vision, which I think was in Sodo. Mike and I had injera and beef tibs - something that although was very delicious, something that I would not recommend eating on a nervous stomach!

After lunch, we drove to Mussie Orphanage in Sodo, the first orphanage that Birtukan was taken. I had no idea we were going to be able to visit this orphanage, I thought we were going to meet birth family members at another location. I was thrilled that I would be able to see where she started her orphanage life! I took some photos of the outside, and then we walked through the gates. I heard children playing in one building, and listened to their laughter. I saw clotheslines full of blankets and clothes - I looked at the little pants hanging on the clothes line, wondering if Birtukan had worn those pants before. Had she snuggled up with one of the blankets there? Was the original clothes she wore to the orphanage hanging on the clothes line right then?

My mind was churning with these thoughts, and it also broke my heart that it was even necessary in the first place for her to be taken to the orphanage. My heart broke for her birth mother, the lady that in only a few moments I would be meeting. I immediately felt inadequate and unworthy of parenting Birtukan - what do you say to the person that carried this child for 9 months? That birthed her? That loved her? That because of horrible circumstances, felt like her only option was to relinquish her to an orphanage? That trusted ME enough to be her parent?? What makes ME any more worthy than anyone else? Better than her first mom? No, not better. Just different.

There were two other adoptive families with us, who both met birth family before we were able to. Of course, we were last - I think that made our wait more difficult, sitting outside thinking about what we were going to say. Luckily some friends helped me come up with a list of questions to ask, otherwise I really don't think my brain would have let me think at that moment. I still remember the chairs that we sat in right outside of the door, waiting our turn. I saw about 10 people lined up sitting on the step on the other side of the door.

I kept wondering if any of those ladies were Birtukan's mom? I saw one girl that looked right at me - her giant brown eyes, round high cheeks, beautiful mouth - and I knew right then, that was Birtukan's mother. And my heart broke again - she was so young, so innocent, just a child herself. I wanted to hug her, to make things 'all better' - but how do you do that?

During our wait, we spoke with the orphanage director, Ato. He said that he had 3 daughters of his own, and that his wife had died 5 years ago. He pulled out a picture of his oldest daughter with tears in his eyes. Life is so different in Ethiopia; something that you just can't grasp until you see it first hand. I showed him a picture of Birtukan, and his face immediately lit up and said that he remembered Birtukan, and that she was such a happy girl. Everywhere we went, people remembered Birtukan.

They also had a special coffee ceremony for us and made us popcorn.

Then it was our turn. We walked into the room when the family before us was hugging the birth father of their child, tears in everyone's eyes. I saw the love that their child's father had for him, and I immediately started crying. So many people think of adoption as a "win-win-win" situation, when in reality, it's not. Where's the victory in seeing the pain of a parent relinquishing their child? Where's the victory of knowing your child will grow up not knowing their birth family?

(I'm going to call Birtukan's birth mom "B")

B walked in the door of the green room, looking scared to death. It was kind of a comfort knowing that she was as scared as I was. She reached out to shake my hand, and I pulled her into my arms and gave her a "traditional Ethiopian 4-kiss hug" (as Abel called it), and then just hugged her. I felt the tears from her eyes on my cheek as we stood there.

There was a Wolaytta translator who translated what B said in Wolaytta into Amharic, and our social workers translated it from Amharic to English. We sat there with our list of questions, and I wasn't able to talk so I'm really glad Mike was able to ask the questions for me, and I was even more thankful that I had a prepared list with me. When we asked a question and it was translated for B, she answered and then I could see the emotional reaction of her translator which started crying, then our social workers started crying, and I would start crying before I even heard her answer. It was neat hearing B's responses to things about Birtukan that we had already found out from the few days we had already spent with her - like her love for fruit and mangos!

Here's the questions we asked, for anyone that's reading this that might have the opportunity to meet with birth family and have the same questions answered:
*How did you choose Birtukan's name?
*What was she like as a baby?
*What is her personality?
*What is your favorite memory of her?
*Did you have any family traditions or ceremonies?
*What did she like to eat?
*When is your birthday?
*What are your favorite things to do?
*What was your pregnancy like?
*What was your delivery like? Who was there?
*What can you tell us about her father?
*Does she have any siblings?
*Who else is in her family?
*Was Birtukan Milka her name given at birth?
*Do you have any favorite recipes I could make for her?
*Is there anything you want to tell her or for her to know?
*Do you have any questions about us?

I am so glad we were able to ask those questions, and was amazed at the absolute wisdom and maturity B had. It really was an amazing experience, and I'm so glad I have those answers to talk to Birtukan about when she gets older, and to let her know about the first 2 years of her life with B, and things that B wants Birtukan to know as she gets older.

Mike and I gave her a little photo album with pictures of Birtukan, and also pictures of Jackson and Maddie and our family. The day before, Birtukan had gotten into my bag and saw the pictures and had gone through each page, kissing each little face in each little picture. I told B that Birtukan had given little kisses on each page for her, that she will always be able to keep her kisses with her. We also gave her a locket with 2 pictures of Birtukan in it. They had me put the locket on her, but my hands were shaking so hard I could barely get it latched.

When it was time to leave, I gave her another giant hug and we stood there holding each other sobbing. I didn't want to let her go. I told her that we loved Birtukan so much already, and we will continue to pray for B every day and will tell Birtukan all about her Ethiopian family and culture.

As soon as our meeting was over, she ran over to the other people waiting outside and showed them her photo album and the pictures of Jackson and Maddie. Leaving was so hard. I pulled out a couple of my hairs and threw them on the front step of the orphanage, so that part of me could always be there. (Yes, I leave my hair in special places) :-P And with that, we walked back out the front gates.

It had started pouring rain; the rainy season had apparently started early this year! With every step we took, about 10 pounds of clay and mud glopped to my shoes. There were children behind us laughing as we went - I'm sure it quite a sight watching so many white people trekking through the back country of Ethiopia sliding around in the mud!

After what seemed like forever walking through the mud, we finally reached the van! I listened to my IPOD and silently sobbed the rest of the trip. Today, my heart broke in two; but also grew 1000 times its size. I will never be the same after being in Ethiopia, and meeting B. Part of me will always remain in Ethiopia.