Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Sometimes when people blog, they sit down and think "hmm, how can I make this interesting..." One thing at the Wald house, is that this stuff writes itself!! And let the hilarity (and insanity) begin....

This morning started off with me taking an early morning NRP (neonatal resuscitation) class at the hospital. Luckily, Mike was able to take the morning off to watch the kids while I had my class, and the plan was for me to be home just in time to pick up all three kids and head back to the hospital for Maddie's appointment with the Pediatric GI doctor for problems she's been having with potty training, constipation, diarrhea, and encopresis. Yes, I know what many people are thinking: "Oh, that sounds busy," but that's not what I was thinking. My thought process was more along the lines of "Dear God, three kids by myself in public. Not just any kids, but MY kids. One of which is Maddie. Please just let us survive!! That's all I ask..."

As a quazi well-seasoned mother of three difficult children, two of which are toddlers, I made sure to bring the double stroller with me. The giant, squeaky, impossible to maneuver double stroller. But hey - it has two seat belts in which to restrain children, so it's all good! After nearly running over a few people on the way, we finally made it up the elevator to the second floor at the hospital. So far so good. Then we walked through the office door. There's just something about going through the door into the doctor's office that totally sets the kids off, and everything they have learned their entire life is out the window, and it's every man for himself. Why did I think today would be different? Oh yah, because I'm delusional.

I hate disciplining my children in public with their fire-eyes staring at me, judging my every move, thinking "Dear Lord, do something with your kids." Do something with my kids? OK, I'll do something with them. How about I'll send them to YOUR house for YOU to watch them for a few hours, then you bring them back to me and show me how much better of a job you do! So I did what any fantastic mom would do, and motivated them with Skittles. Chewy snacks actually help Maddie listen and cooperate better, so I figured there was a small redeeming quality in my waiting room choice of motivation. It was 2 hours past Birdy's nap though, so she was about as crazy as could be.

The first thing I told the nurse when she brought Maddie back, was that she was just diagnosed with SPD and that I was totally anticipating a total breakdown in 3, 2, 1.... She made Maddie step on the scale with her shoes off - which Maddie freaked out about being barefoot on their carpet. Then she had her stand to get her height with her feet against the wall, which made her unbalanced and wobbly. I could tell she was getting to her limit before breakdown time. Then it was time to get her temperature in her ear. I'm pretty sure that's what set her off, before complete meltdown. So I walked back to the room, corralling Jackson with my foot, pushing the horrific double stroller, yet still having to carry two screaming toddlers. I should win an award for agility at least, huh??

Sometimes I like to tell strangers "Wow, this is so not like my kids. Must be nap time!" *slow nervous laugh* But who am I kidding - anyone that really knows us, or has been within a 10 mile radius of us, know that my kids scream. Plain and simple, they scream hard and often!

By the time we got to the room, I was sweating like crazy. Two hot screaming toddlers in my arms, carrying enough equipment to live successfully in the woods for weeks, in the middle of a hot Iowa summer. As soon as the nurse left the room, I started shoving paper towels down my shirt (Yah, I'm not too proud to be honest here...) to soak up my sweat before the doctor got in the room, only to be caught red handed by her 30 seconds later as she walked into the room sooner than expected. Great first impression! (And no, I don't always shove my hands down my shirt when I meet new people.)

A few minutes into our visit (with both girls screaming their lungs out), the doctor wanted to do a rectal exam on Maddie. I guess I knew it was coming, but we can't even wipe her after a poopy diaper without 3 adults holding her down - there is no way in God's green earth she is going to let you do an exam on her, I don't care how much of your "magic jelly" you have on your glove. She wanted to wait until Maddie would "be cooperative" to do the exam; but when I told her that we would probably have to come back in 20 years for that to happen, she gave me the "OK, just hold her down and I'll go quick" look. I got hit. I got bitten. I'm pretty sure some of my hair got pulled out. And all of you girls out there with thick curly hair know that when you get hot and sweaty, your hair only gets bigger. Which made me even more hot and sweaty. I'm sorry child for dripping my sweat on top of your screaming face, but if you could only hold still for a bit longer...

*Insert 20 minutes of screaming here, while I play some nice quiet relaxing music and grab a snack*

OK, I'm back.

You get the picture. She then proceeded to tell me that Maddie had a flacid rectum amongst some other stuff. Honestly, she lost me at 'flacid rectum.' After I asked her to repeat everything after the words flacid rectum, she re-told me that Maddie's intestines are totally impacted. Our plan is to start a super Miralax time so that she HAS to go to the bathroom. We'll do that for 4 days, and then we'll start Mineral Oil. After the 4 Miralax days are up, she also wants to do an xray to make sure she's all cleaned out. She said it can take up to a year for her rectum to not be so stretched out, but kids with sensory issues can take a lot longer. She also said that she can't legally be turned away from anywhere because of not being potty trained (ie: school, daycare, etc) because it's a medical condition.

She then proceeded to tell me that she wanted to check Maddie's blood for celiac disease and thyroid as well. The only thing that could top this day off is a nice round of venipunctures! So we head down to the lab to get her blood drawn. By this time, Jackson and Birdy are totally off their rocker. Birdy's grabbing syringes out of the drawer while I'm sitting in the chair with Maddie, when she stopped all of a sudden and announced that she needed to pee right that second. Birdy pulled her pants down in the middle of the room, squatted, and was going to use the middle of the floor as a bathroom. Luckily, one of the lab techs yoinked her pants up and took her to the bathroom real quick for me. Meanwhile, Maddie figured out that they are going to take blood from her arm, swings her hand up at me, and punches me in the nose. Not only have I sweat all over my child today, but now I am dripping my bloody nose all over her head. You know you're a mother of three when the only thing you can think of as you're bleeding all over your child is "but today was bath day - I'm totally not going to wash your hair again today!! We'll just wipe this right up..."

So we left the lab; Jackson crying, Birdy out of her ever loving mind, and Madelyn kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs. When we got to the lobby of the hospital, a sweet little older lady stopped us and asked Maddie why she was screaming. And in typical Maddie fashion, she stopped screaming, looked her straight in the face, and said "They checked my blood for an infection, because I have cancer." Madelyn Paige Wald, none of that is true. We then left, after getting the sympathy vote from a few doting onlookers that I didn't correct because honestly it was nice to have someone give us some positive attention!! (Yes, I'm getting ready for God to smote me - nobody stand close to me when there's lightning.)

That's when we got stopped by the cops at the exit door.

Please, Lord. Why are you doing this to me!??

Do you work here? Where did you just come from? Were you on such and such a floor? What time did you get here? Blah blah blabitty blah!! Do I really look like I just came off a shift with three kids in tow?? I heard people in the background talking about a patient that came into the clinic, something about a knife, a gunshot wound, and there were cops everywhere! (Now I need to watch the news tonight to see if someone got killed at the hospital today.)

The cops finally let us exit the building, and we got to the car. Only to find out that we are blocked in by 6 cop cars. Why would they park right behind a string of cars in a parking lot?? That's when I started crying in the parking lot - I just wanted to go home. Then an older police officer, God bless his heart, came up to me and asked if I needed help. I just shook my head as I got the kids in the car, and he folded up my impossible double stroller and put it in the car for me. (Seriously - God bless this man!!) He then helped me do a 500 point turn to exit the parking spot so I could go home.

Today was filled with blood, sweat, and lots of tears. And life at the Wald house continues...